oxfordhacker

Oops. A lazy morning followed by a busy afternoon and evening means that this is late, but morally, if I haven't gone to sleep the day hasn't ended, so this still counts. I don't have the time to do a recommendation post, because that involves a load of links and lovingly-selected excerpts and stuff, for me to do full justice to the object of my linkery. Instead, I will write about something I did earlier this week, on the grounds that if I fail to do myself full justice, then I only have myself to blame.

tinyjo's school had a bonfire on Friday, for which, of course, they needed fuel. They had some battered old wooden chairs, but they needed to be broken up before they were suitable firewood. I assume that, having agreed this, they ranked all the teachers and their partners in terms of furniture-wrecking potential, and I won. One might suggest that, if so, this was more a tribute to tinyjo's high opinion of me rather than any more objective assessment, but I'll accept that. The result was that four chairs appeared in our back garden, destined for devastation at my hands.

Never one to shirk my girlfriend-given duties, when I got back from work on Thursday I gathered hand-axe and saw, and headed out onto the patio in the twilight to perform some helpful destruction. To ensure that I cut a suitably dramatic figure, I stripped to waist before getting to work. The chairs were a perfect challenge: tough but not invulnerable, and their childish size made me feel like a rampaging giant as I methodically reduced them to flinders. I would thoroughly recommend this method for raising one's mood, and were I more business-minded I would be buying old school furniture and selling it on as a mood-enhancing therapy, perhaps packaged with a pop-psychology book. 'Smash Yourself Happy' perhaps?

Over the years, I have come up with several sure-fire money-making ideas (often, for some reason, in conversation and collaboration with mr_snips). Thus far, I have yet to bring any of them to fruition. So, rather then leaving them languishing on my PDA, I thought I would share them with you, my dynamic and talented readers. By combining my brains and your diverse resources, we can all end up rich enough to live out our most garish and decadent fantasies (For me: an android Angelina Jolie; for you: Daniel Radcliffe and John Sim acting out your Harry Potter/Life on Mars slash.)
Here's the first idea:

Squassage^TM

The demographic	Young urban professionals with wishy-washy New Age leanings. Perhaps the ideal customers, combining disposable income and gullibility.
The pitch	Relaxing massage, meditative peace, and an encounter with nature's majesty... all in your lunch-hour.
The reasoning	Things that hippies like: Flotation tanks Massage Swimming with dolphins Things that yuppies like: Efficiency Multi-tasking Spending money
The requirements	Flotation tanks (size XL) Marine biologist/psychologist Squid
The advert	What could be more relaxing than half an hour in flotation tank? How about half an hour in a flotation tank while being massaged? Slip into one of our tanks and bask, floating in the darkness with nothing to concentrate on but a little light New Age music, and the unique sensation of being kneaded in 10 places at once. Relax in the embrace of strong yet sensitive tentacles as our trained squid suck your tension away...
The possibilities	Inject tanning cream into the squid's ink sacs, and customers could come out with a healthy tan as well. Now that's what I call multi-tasking. Worn out squid could be sold as fresh calamari to nearby restaurants Massage 'with relief' could be a popular extra with certain groups: The very jaded 'Animal lovers' Hentai fans People who have ethical qualms about the exploitation of sex workers, but are in dire need of an expert orgasm SF author Jeff Vandermeer This may well be technically legal, or at least be an exploitable grey area

If you'd like to be involved but have only some of the required components (perhaps some surplus sensory deprivation tanks from a CIA secret prison, or a squid with a particularly talented beak) just comment here, and I'll get you in touch with suitable other people. All I ask is 10% of the profits when they come rolling in!