Some Advice Regarding Kitten Acquisition

A long, long time ago, tinyjo and I acquired Charlie the kitten. Our experiences with her in her first few months inspired the following, but I've only just rediscovered and finished it.

People who should consider getting a kitten:

• Self-harmers
  Who could fail to be cheered out of their depression by the oh-so-cute antics of a kitten? And if you're not, at last you'll have a much better reason for having arms covered in scratches.


• Tinnitus sufferers
  Constant jingling in your ears? Give your kitten a collar with a bell, and everyone else can share your symptoms. That'll teach them.


• Vampires
  Tired of being found out because your victims have mysterious puncture wounds? When you've got a kitten, all your guests will have mysterious puncture wounds!


• Serial killers with low self-esteem
  Just look at your kitten's winning combination of wide-eyed innocence and unswerving dedication to attacking everyone within reach! You'll have a constant reminder that you can combine universal appeal with cold-blooded murder.


• Nymphomaniacs
  Too much sex leaving you tired and sore? Try it with a kitten pouncing excitedly on anything that moves under the covers! The atmosphere (and/or your buttocks) will quickly be ruined, and you'll end up reading a book instead.


• People with no internet access
  If you have a real live source of cute kitten images, about one third of the internet is rendered unnecessary. Now, you just have start borrowing CDs and DVDs off your mates, and find someone attractive who doesn't mind you seeing them naked. Voila! The world wide web has nothing left to offer you. Think of the time and money you'll save!


• Mountaineers
  When considered alongside a kitten's relentless urge to climb everything from furniture to curtains to people, your exhausting and life-threatening hobby will seem positively restrained and sensible.


• Jaded dandies
  Feel that you've experienced everything that life has to offer? Try standing at your stove making scrambled eggs while a kitten runs up the back of your leg then clings on to your buttock for dear life. I promise you, it is a unique experience.

People who possibly shouldn't get a kitten

• People with weak hearts


• Haemophiliacs


• Mice (esp. those made of felt and/or filled with catnip)